Here to close our February Self-Love Series is cofounder DevinMarie. We hope you continue to live out your life LOVE-filled; no matter the stage of your journey post sexual assault.
“There were some days earlier on in making the decision to embrace this whole “self-love journey” that I wanted to give up. There were many people I knew who spoke on its importance, and who made it apparent that I would never truly be happy without it. No matter how I tried to embrace this romanized ideal of conquering my insecurities and unraveling the pain of my traumatic past, I couldn’t grasp it.
The biggest obstacle for me was facing fear. For most of my adolescence, I masked this fear with academic and athletic success throughout my schooling, with relationships, seeking acceptance of others, and trying to be the most likable individual by all people.
The problem with my approach to this “love thing” was its passivity and lack of addressing the common denominator in all these outer influences; that being myself.
When things failed or I didn’t gain enough fulfillment, I played victim to the present situation only mirroring the reality of my past.
You know how people say after a break up “you need to hookup with someone else and then you’ll get over him/her” or even “keep yourself busy and you’ll eventually move on...”
In other more simplified terms “ a distracted life is a happy life...right?”
When I removed the distractions; the relationship I thought I couldn’t exist without, the career I drowned myself in , the job that was overly demanding, the toxic habits of alcohol-soothing, anti-depressant taking, co-dependent self, I was left with a stripped, very vulnerable, version of me. Only this vulnerability was different from my past. This vulnerability was a choice, my choice...a type of vulnerability that was once subject to neglect, rape, domestic violence and trauma. This vulnerability was equally terrifying and empowering. I finally saw myself for who I was independent of drugs, outside gratification, relationships, or accolades.
The thing I wanted so desperately was to be seen—because my past taught me my worth was invisible to others, including myself. Had the man that straddled his own insecurities on my helpless body seen past my body as more than object and seen my humanity, perhaps he wouldn’t have taken advantage. Or if the boy who groped my body in the fifth grade had seen that I was uncomfortable with his previous advances, he would have stopped, or had the classmates in P.E class seen the evidence of self harm on my legs when undressing in the locker rooms asked if I was okay...maybe I would have sought help sooner?
This isn’t a matter of fault, but of self-worth. I was living in this temple, yet even I couldn’t see that what happened to me wasn’t my fault; I couldn’t see the survivor under my many layers of victimhood. It wasn’t until I surrendered to the truth about who I am in Christ, that I was able to distinguish between the truth about my present and the perpetuated lies of my past. ♥️
Getting to this point has had its share of ups and downs. I’ve wanted to retreat back to victimhood; by pointing the finger at the people that hurt me, the people that failed to protect & defend me, the broken system that victim blames just as much as I was blaming myself. None of these actions or sentiments of hate actually healed the piece that remained broken; my heart. I prayed for God to restore it, to restore me to the woman I was called to be. As a result, I’ve gained greater insight of these habits and its origins. More importantly, I focused my attention on myself, the person who needed the most attention, and nurturing when the world said I was alone in this—I wasn’t. Neither are you. We are in this together no matter where you are on the journey of self-love; you can access is the truths to your hurt and HEAL just like I have and CONTINUING TO DO. 🙏🏽
There is no more room for self-sabotaje, self-doubt, self-blame, only LOVE. Part of our frustration dwells in our spirit fighting to grow out of the cocoon you wrapped yourself in to self-soothe the wounds this world has given you. Only problem is, you were born to fly, and be free; that was a l w a y s God’s intention. 🐛—>🦋To accept that grace I chose to walk my journey toward self-love with Jesus; someone who knows a lot about feeling alone, being wrongfully blamed and unethically treated. I haven’t looked back since, I’m healed...I can live again; and it’s my prayer you feel that freeness in YOU too.”
Cheering you on Queen and King... you were made for MORE that what you’ve been through.
As we close our self-love series for the month of February...the teaching and walking in these principles will most certainly continue!
Stay tuned for our new series launching tomorrow as we continue to grow, learn and heal together!
Love & Solidarity,
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.