So… at this point of your life you’re probably wondering what else is there? Will it always be this hard, will there always be hurt in places you thought love would abound? You saw the world in such a pure way before it reeled it’s ugly head and made you it’s prey. It definitely caught you off guard; little by little, layers upon layers of innocence got stripped away from you. Slowly, one by one, the idea of being “good” and “doing what’s right” still subjugated you to attack, manipulation, and rejection. The idea of being the only person in the room completely naked and vulnerable is something that’s never left your body. Always having to validate your existence in social settings, and lack-luster relationships incapable of supporting your emotional and spiritual needs.
As soon as you get through THIS part, you’ll see what it was for. I don’t mean the hard part of surviving—you proved you can overcome adversity even in the form of rape. You proved you could get by even after not being believed once you spoke up. You survived the sleepless nights filled with paranoia, anxiety, and depression, self-blame, self-doubt, self-redicile and even hate. You don’t like yourself much right now, and I get it. I get the desire of sleeping in a dark room for weeks because it feels closer to the end you wish could be a reality. I get that you want to erase it all. I get the cold chill that comes over your body and up your spine every time a stranger, shoot, even your own family goes to embrace you. I get that intimacy in an respect feels like a threat. I also get vocalizing small needs even when it comes to ordering a meal in public seems daunting because trusting your own voice has been shut down one too many times when it counted—when it actually mattered. I get that. I also get to tell you that it’s not going to be like this forever. I get to tell you that when you decide to invite Jesus in your life, every step though challenging, will get easier. I get to tell you that you’ll be brave enough to not only step outside of that dark bedroom or closet you’d hide in for comfort, but that you’d soon venture out to see the world on your own. I get to tell you that you’ll find safety and a home within yourself even when you’re hundreds of thousands of miles away. I also should tell you that your best friend in all of this...is you. You’ll learn to love you in a new way. You’ll learn to stop categorizing good and bad, right and wrong, and exist in what is and still cal it enough. So this, though this part hurts like hell is dipping you in flames of anger, and distrust, confusion and loneliness as the world moves on. I’m telling you that you can too. THIS—is just for now. You will fall in and out of love, you will comeback to yourself, to THIS, and realize that there is a universe inside of you God wants you discover. THIS makes you hear the other silent tears on your journey, it doesn’t just make you stronger, but softer—more gracious towards others and yourself. Learn to love you here, even if they can’t. Even if they won’t because you are special beyond words. Your heart has the capacity to implode and shatter, break, and come back to itself abounding in all the love you still believed in before being the girl whose first lesson in the birds and the bees was in the form of violence. You are more than that. You’re heart is evidence of that. Hold on to it, and feel it rise and sink into this promise: that THIS part will be a chapter worth reading when you learn to turn the page. ♥️ people don’t get immersed in a story off of one page, but all of them, and this one is still writing itself out. Love yourself through it. Your best friend, Me
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Hey Flawlezz, First know that I love you dearly, and in case no one has told you, let me say; I'm very proud of you, you have came such a long way and I know it has not been easy. I know it must of been hard dealing with so much trauma, having gone through rape, I know your story. From the years of silence, seven years of pain dealing with it all by your self. How you did it, I know it was just GOD’S grace that brought you through. I’m sure if your walls and pillows could talk they would say how many days you cried yourself to sleep, recounting how many times you spoke in the dark wishing ir was your last breath; but they would also say how you would cry out all your thoughts and then say to yourself “get it together Cristal, you got this. You might not want to breathe right now, but you also don't want to be another statistic that reads “...another young girl taken advantage of takes her own life.” Instead, you would get up, get dressed and while you get your outfit together brave a smile. I know it was hard to go about your day and see your rapist everywhere, but I'm proud that you pushed through. I’m so proud that even months after the first incident you still chose life. You chose to keep going and live inspire of the dozen times you saw him. You chose to survive, you chose a smile even with a broken heart; even if you felt scared inside as you wept silent tears. I’m proud that you still chose life and love. You learned to forgive even if he didn't deserve it. Forgiveness helped you live. You chose to heal even if it took you years. You chose self love, but most importantly you chose GOD and even though fashion was your love and you walked away from it because it triggered your traumatic experience. I’m so proud that you found love for it once again, continue to make your self proud: reach those dreams as if nothing ever happened, I’ll be right there by your side when you launch your collection and as you continue to make your voice count. Always know that as you speak your story I will be right there every step along the way. Self-Love Notes -Cristal Lowe if you know you know Flawless Sis, You Were The Answered PrayerYou were the answered prayer to a lot of questions
The clarity to a lot of doubts The understanding amidst confusion The first time in a long time silent suffering Broke into a loud clamor-- The moment the world heard my first tear fall— it was you who caught them I had you in my corner when all I felt was my spine against white walls I boxed myself in-- You were the answered prayer to a lot of questions Asking God the big ones but He answered through you. Holding each other up when the fear of our truth being bigger than us touched the ears of those who love us most for the first time You were the answered prayer to a lot of questions You were the light needed in a dark hallway Stumbling at times, and half-hazardous walking in faith each step you lit a path Did you survive through your storms to help me through mine? Did you cry alone enough times to know you were weeping my tears I didn’t allow to shed? Sis, You were the answered prayer to a lot of questions I just hope I’ve helped by answering some of yours All the words I could ever say
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AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. Archives
August 2020
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