Preparing myself to interview my husband, James, on sensitive subject matter, like rape presents a different dynamic to our relationship. We both understand rape and sexual assault on a personal level, from my own experience, and he has supported my efforts in empathizing the experiences of others as well. The interview in itself made me feel rage in a way that I can't even begin to explain. Internally, I was hoping that my husband's answers are not against how I feel or reveal too much honesty in reality through the male-gaze I may not have been prepared to hear. However, pushing my feelings aside, we sat down, and watched the reaction video of Derrick Jaxn on Charlemagne's insensitive reflection on a sexual assault experience. The Interview Cristal: What is your immediate reaction to the Charlamane interview? James: My thoughts are deep and in some way raged that grown man would just simply laugh at the fact and thought that someone was potentially raped/ or raped abuse of trust. It seams that think just think because of there status of who they may apparel to be to a public eye anyone and everyone would just want to sleep with them but as Charlamane told on him self she was pass out drunk basically not knowing what was going on there for that is raped. Cristal: Have you ever been in a hyper-masculine setting if so what is the environment like? James: Thinking back yes I have in my early teen years at school, a couple of male friends would hang out together and talk about females and who they had sex with of course those they talk about was consented sex, so I never understood if they both chose to have sex why some males would talk down on the girls they called girlfriends or chose to have sex with. Although I knew it was wrong at such a young aged I was told by older man, gang members in the neighborhood that females are worthless and are only to please man there for I would laugh at there comments even though I knew it was wrong. As I got older I understood the truth from what I was though to think and I would not let those conversations come across me and simply correct what wrong and what right. Cristal: Why do you think accountability is difficult in hyper masculine spaces? James: I believe it all goes back on how you where raise and was told to believe weather it right or wrong, Most man care about there pride and ego thinking that the more women you sleep with the more you will be admired within your circle and calling you a man bc of such thing that men are though simply man are player its all about pride and seen what man slept with more woman, but the truth is that it starts at the home any how they chose to raise you at a young age if you raise your boys to respect and constantly tell them right from wrong and no means no no matter what the next boy might say then you have planted a seed that can only continue to grow and eventually that boy will hold accountability to his peers from wrong. Cristal: Why is it difficult to call out other men in women are objectified or are being harassed in public? James: Aging I believe it all starts at such a young age and how people raised there boys. often boys/ men are called soft/week for standing up for a women as if women are less worthless than any other human (men) for example Terry Crews coming out man bash him some may had laugh and made memes about him that just shows that other men have a mind state that man are supposed too be taught and not soft or week there for I believe some man just stay silent in order not to be call names or look at in a certain way. Cristal: Is it possible to see more forms of accountability for men's actions in the future? If so, what would that look like? James: I think it is possible for forums of men to talk about the importance of protection of women but it would take some time to achieve. I think it would be a large amount of men who have in some way physically or mentally hurt a women they love wanting to hear ways they can change and be better there ways and relationship or make a difference to help those man be more accountable in preparing themselves to begin in a relationship. ------- Cristal's Reflection After the conversation I had with my husband; I learned a bit more of the way he was raised and was able to understand how one's upbringing shapes a lot on how we respond and relate to women in our society. I can't be upset at something that he went though, but I definitely felt some kind of way hearing of how his past influenced so many of his beliefs. We both could agree that it is our responsibility as parents, to raise our son to respect women. To teach him what consent means. I have always expressed to my daughter that no matter what anyone says she can trust and tell me anything and that I would not be mad; that she does not have to have fear in telling me anything she may witness or go through. Likewise, this experience has taught me to express this same sentiment of importance to my son, and that my experience as a survivor of rape is an example of pain that should never be repeated. It is our responsibility to condition our kids in love, and respect for themselves as well as others they interact with throughout their lifetime.
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Preparing myself to interview my husband, James, on sensitive subject matter, like rape presents a different dynamic to our relationship. We both understand rape and sexual assault on a personal level, from my own experience, and he has supported my efforts in empathizing the experiences of others as well. The interview in itself made me feel rage in a way that I can't even begin to explain. Internally, I was hoping that my husband's answers are not against how I feel or reveal too much honesty in reality through the male-gaze I may not have been prepared to hear. However, pushing my feelings aside, we sat down, and watched the reaction video of Derrick Jaxn on Charlemagne's insensitive reflection on a sexual assault experience.
The Interview Cristal: What is your immediate reaction to the Charlamane interview? James: My thoughts are deep and in some way raged that grown man would just simply laugh at the fact and thought that someone was potentially raped/ or raped abuse of trust. It seams that think just think because of there status of who they may apparel to be to a public eye anyone and everyone would just want to sleep with them but as Charlamane told on him self she was pass out drunk basically not knowing what was going on there for that is raped. Cristal: Have you ever been in a hyper-masculine setting if so what is the environment like? James: Thinking back yes I have in my early teen years at school, a couple of male friends would hang out together and talk about females and who they had sex with of course those they talk about was consented sex, so I never understood if they both chose to have sex why some males would talk down on the girls they called girlfriends or chose to have sex with. Although I knew it was wrong at such a young aged I was told by older man, gang members in the neighborhood that females are worthless and are only to please man there for I would laugh at there comments even though I knew it was wrong. As I got older I understood the truth from what I was though to think and I would not let those conversations come across me and simply correct what wrong and what right. Cristal: Why do you think accountability is difficult in hyper masculine spaces? James: I believe it all goes back on how you where raise and was told to believe weather it right or wrong, Most man care about there pride and ego thinking that the more women you sleep with the more you will be admired within your circle and calling you a man bc of such thing that men are though simply man are player its all about pride and seen what man slept with more woman, but the truth is that it starts at the home any how they chose to raise you at a young age if you raise your boys to respect and constantly tell them right from wrong and no means no no matter what the next boy might say then you have planted a seed that can only continue to grow and eventually that boy will hold accountability to his peers from wrong. Cristal: Why is it difficult to call out other men in women are objectified or are being harassed in public? James: Aging I believe it all starts at such a young age and how people raised there boys. often boys/ men are called soft/week for standing up for a women as if women are less worthless than any other human (men) for example Terry Crews coming out man bash him some may had laugh and made memes about him that just shows that other men have a mind state that man are supposed too be taught and not soft or week there for I believe some man just stay silent in order not to be call names or look at in a certain way. Cristal: Is it possible to see more forms of accountability for men's actions in the future? If so, what would that look like? James: I think it is possible for forums of men to talk about the importance of protection of women but it would take some time to achieve. I think it would be a large amount of men who have in some way physically or mentally hurt a women they love wanting to hear ways they can change and be better there ways and relationship or make a difference to help those man be more accountable in preparing themselves to begin in a relationship. ------- Cristal's Reflection After the conversation I had with my husband; I learned a bit more of the way he was raised and was able to understand how one's upbringing shapes a lot on how we respond and relate to women in our society. I can't be upset at something that he went though, but I definitely felt some kind of way hearing of how his past influenced so many of his beliefs. We both could agree that it is our responsibility as parents, to raise our son to respect women. To teach him what consent means. I have always expressed to my daughter that no matter what anyone says she can trust and tell me anything and that I would not be mad; that she does not have to have fear in telling me anything she may witness or go through. Likewise, this experience has taught me to express this same sentiment of importance to my son, and that my experience as a survivor of rape is an example of pain that should never be repeated. It is our responsibility to condition our kids in love, and respect for themselves as well as others they interact with throughout their lifetime. We encourage you to not forget giving yourself so much of what you already give to the world. (Even if sometimes these remnants of the self-love you’ve been able to muster up after trauma or disappointment doesn’t feel like ‘enough’.) This month is maybe nearing its end, but the healing doesn’t...so take what you have from this series and know we will revisit topics like these very soon! For our readers in sunny SoCal, the summer heat is only get hotter, so enjoy the cool breezes as they come whilst enjoying this encouraging word! (Perhaps a pressed juice or lavender lemonade on side for extra Queen/King- like feels) to embrace your now...where ever that may be for you! Cristal Lowe: This is for the healers out there in the world. The ones who put on a brave face and deal with day-to-day life whilst coping with loss. This is for the mothers, and fathers who are doing their best to not continue generational curses in their own families by healing from their own. This is for the scholars, the Queens and Kings who want more for their life than just heartbreak.. this is for those who are learning to trust others and more importantly, themselves again. Anyone who has experienced pain, or who is hurting from their past trauma as we heal daily whether from distrust or something as life-altering as rape and sexual assault; we must all be patient in knowing this is a PROCESS! As much as we might like to hasten our healing process, there are steps we must take within us to get to the other side of this. As difficult as it is to consider; our truth here st Herstory is that much of our healing was birthed from a place of forgiveness. Yup, we know what you must be thinking. It’s nearly impossible for others to believe that Devin and myself have forgiven the men who took advantage of our friendship, drugged, then raped us...because of the work God has done in us we can faithfully say that we have. We have seen the miraculous changes God has done in us by softening our hearts, and opening our minds to begin the process of undoing the negative seeds that were deposited in our lives from that traumatic moment. Matthew 5:44: But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. As we healing for ourselves, we encourage you to be mindful of your thought-life towards those who afflict us. We must pray for those that hurt us no matter how big or small the offense. Naturally, we might not feel like it and 100% feel like they don't deserve our forgiveness. However, we’ve learned (and are still learning) that God operates different from our ‘feelings’. Although, they don’t deserve your forgiveness; what if God told you that your freedom depended on it...or your happiness, your joy, your marriage, your career, you dream and purpose? Always know that GOD does not intend for you to hurt, nor was it His plan for you to suffer. He sent His done Christ Jesus to take up that suffering and pain for us...and as crazy as it is to wrap our minds around it (that WAS God’s plan). It is also God’s plan to bring you out of that hurt, and into a place of healing to allow your light to shine in order for someone else to heal and know they can be healed too. Your healing is as much your own, as it is the people that surround you with love now, and the ones waiting to love and support you in the future. In due season your blessing will come forward full circle! You will be blessed and highly favored. You will be the head and not the tail! Live unapologetically in your healing do what is necessary NOW, so you don’t have to keep picking up the broken pieces in the future. Know that you are here for a reason and if you need a reminder of how blessed you are, put your right hand over your heart and feel the drum of your own heart beat—that is life; that is purpose. Smile on today, because someone is watching you and depending on your walk towards healing! Be blessed! With love and solidarity, Cristal Lowe & Devin Marie I use to think “Well... if I just fixed myself already...then the love would come, the career would show up, the pain would go away...”
Luke 8:43-48 King James Version (KJV) You remember it vividly. Down to what you were wearing, who you were with, the feeling in the atmosphere--and the pain. The part in the story you try to skim over in your mental database in hopes of tricking your mind it was all made up, (because let's face it, we need to get a grip because it been weeks, months, even years now since it happened.) The tricky thing about trauma is, it was never invited into our lives, but once it has made itself known, it is now our job to escort it out of our lives. Trauma changes you deeply. It is felt mind, body and soul...so you can bet that there are some major layers to peel off when we refer to the healing process. Whether you are forced to recover from a broken arm, a surgery, or even a breakup; we know that these things take time. We have all heard it.... "time heals everything." But we would argue that if you do not actively pursue healing, and get out of your comfort zone you'll be waiting a long time for your miracle. Reference back to the scripture we shared in the beginning of our post, depicting the immediate moment a brave woman who had been suffering for twelve years received her healing from Jesus Christ." It doesn't say whether she attempted to get help for her issue before, but it took this moment of bravery to go beyond the crowd, and by faith, reach out to the man whom she heard could do miracles. Sometimes reaching out is the first step towards your healing process, and though it might not happen over night, Cristal Lowe shares her journey in accepting time as an ample part towards her healing after rape. _________________________________________________________________________ As I went on about my days post-rape I can remember feeling more confused than anything else. I asked myself, "did this really happen?" I pretended that everything was okay and went on with my work in the fashion industry. Fashion week in Las Vegas still brought back memories of the night I was taken advantage of; but I returned the next year. For a very long time after, I buried myself if my work and hid my tears behind silence and a smile. I knew I had to be strong, yet it felt like I would never get past that day. I felt like I never wanted to date anyone and thought for sure I would never get married after this because I felt so ashamed to imagine if I would even tell anyone what I had experience. Every day felt like healing was pulling away from me. I simply pretended nothing happen; I didn't talk or think about it. I would lay in my bed in the dark with my door closed and cry as I would try to come up with solutions that would heal me from this broken heart. I cut off all friends that knew him (the man who raped me) and eventually distanced myself from all friendships I had. I thought, if I start over then no one will no my story before I was raped, I wouldn't have to share this shameful story of pain and sorrow. Healing really began by forgetting the crowd like that woman with the issue of blood. I need to find myself at that state of desperation, looking at myself honestly for who I still was after being raped. I needed to be alone in order to learn to love the new person I was becoming with this new pain I had endured. It may not seem like the smartest thing to do, but it helped me understand who I was becoming in life. Although, I credit my healing to the moments I accepted what happened to me was not my fault, and when started loving myself again, my true healing started when I gave my life to Jesus Christ and got baptized. In doing so I began my real transformation. I was finally leaving the old behind and learning that trials are part-time but my victory is eternal. I don't look back now as a victim. I'm able to speak and write about the trauma from being raped without hurt, or tears, and a smile knowing GOD did this for me and He can do it for someone else reading this too. I don't do anything to monitor my healing other than continue to pray and just living life in gratitude and with love. It is as if the hurt never crossed my path...that is what is so supernatural about healing. I am living in such as state of peace and assuredness now for what God has done in my life. If you asked me today, I can honestly say, I don't remember the hurt I once felt, it is like giving birth-- you are in so much pain but the moment you hold your bundle of joy you forget all the pain you had and as time goes by you can only remember the pain as a memory all that is left is the joy and feeling like love has finally made it home in you again. --Cristal <3 Until next week, we encourage you to continue to carry out your bravery, and be patient with yourself in the process. With love and solidarity, Cristal Lowe and Devin Marie Last month we spoke on “Standing up and Speaking Out,” and we wish to continue to inspire and encourage you in this month's series as we speak on “Honestly Healing.” In this series we will expand on what healing looks like for us, and how you can claim healing for yourself. Stay tuned as both co-founder DevinMarie and Cristal Lowe share their stories in hopes of encouraging yours to be of victory and no longer victim hood post-trauma. DevinMarie:
Over the years, I have learned that healing takes shape in many forms and even has phases. There is no real blueprint for this kind of thing, no twelve steps I could follow, no drug or person that could fill a void that had once been my self-worth. I questioned everything, including where I placed my trust. I continued denying the fact that being raped really did effect me & my interactions with others including my view of myself. I ran as far from the truth that that pain did indeed exist, almost convincing myself it never happened. But it did happen; and I was hurt. I was crying myself to sleep, suffering from chronic panic attacks, failing 2 semesters worth of classes at the university and getting harassed by associates of my attacker. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to be honest with the one person who was suffering the most and choosing to put a bandage over an infected wound. I avoided the truth that my soul was broken. I was spiritually and emotionally devastated to the point the pain of being violated was nearly numbing. It wasn’t until the pain I felt began to affect the ones I loved, did I really see that experience’s impact on my life. I isolated friends, family, and blamed every one for having even the slightest association with the man who raped me. I did well at projecting my pain instead of healing it...and sis/bro...it was exhausting! More exhausting than taking the time to meet with a pastor who advised me to seek help from a counselor, more exhausting than hours with a trusted therapist, or the hours spent on my hands and knees laid out at the alter of my church, or the months spent fasting and or asking Cristal for prayer in the late hours of the night. Honestly healing, or healing honestly simply meant that I began my journey pinpointing my pain—Head on. There was no more running, no more denying, and no more self-hatred for something that was ultimately out of my control. Regardless of what the police report said, or the DA’s thought, or the student body believed....I didn’t need to heal for them—my life was on the line and I needed to reclaim it FOR ME. Admitting I needed help and that I needed JESUS to take this burden from me was THE MOST difficult and yet most vital part of my healing process. To this very day, I seek God for restoration and renewing because pain has a funny way of wanting to show it’s ugly head again; when God would rather have you feel victorious over the scars you survived; not fall victim to its repercussions. I’m learning still...growing still, and healing because no one ever said there has to be an end point to this healing stuff, I believe Jesus CAN heal and has healed me...and I also believe that it’s up to me to agree with that healing every single day I am blessed to see.” —DevinMarie 🏽 Until next week, may you continue to be honest with yourself in every step of your journey... With love and Solidarity, DevinMarie and Cristal Lowe |
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