Crying now doesn't make you less of a survivor. Healing takes many forms in different stages of your human existence Be patient with yourself.
Six years ago on October 4th my life shifted. It was a shift that introduced itself as immense pain, brokenness, and self-pity.
How could I let this happen? How could I have trusted? How could I have been so naive. I was 18, and a new freshman in college eager to take on this new chapter of my life. But nothing could have prepared me for the emotional changes I'd have to adapt to from that night.
I was tutoring a member of the college football's team which I was attending. We befriended each other on campus and chose to study outside of school on the Sunday before classes started back up for the week.
My trust in a individual was shattered when I was drugged, and left in his bedroom, door securely closed from his roommates coming in. He forced himself on me after telling him I wasn't feeling well. After never consenting My Will to share any form of intimacy with him. I lost the ability of my limbs, and my voice for what felt like hours...
the details of my story are more explicit than the general statement: " I was taken advantage of." " He had sex with me, and I could not vocalize that I didn't want to because I was physically incapable of doing so" I can try to water down this story to make it less hurtful to ears who've never experienced the loss of yourself while still being alive.
But if I'm not honest of my pain, I cannot invite healing for myself, let alone anyone else still hiding behind denial, self-hate, or victimization if I cannot be transparent.
October 4th shifted my outlook on not only others but what's worse myself. I internalized that pain for years thinking I was the one who was responsible. After all, it IS MY BODY, and I was its guide up to the point of my assault.
Then again, it was HIS BODY, that had equally as much responsibility in NOT guiding us there.
I shed a couple tears this past 4th. I shed them for the young woman who may secretly think she should have or could have done something to avoid another person's willingness to take advantage of a situation that should be consensual NOT individual.
I shed a couple of tears for the individual still covering themselves with layers of clothing like layers of defense to make themselves appear unattractive to another potential attacker
I shed a couple of tears for him/her/they who believes their story was a lot more watered down on paper like the police report they were brave enough to open to.
I shed a couple of tears for the person who feels less after someone took more than they should that day, night, that moment that altered their perception of self.
I shed them for you, I shed them for me.
Not because he still has control of me, but because like rivers in a stream full of barriers of mounded rocks and branches... I too must learn to move through the initial impact pain has on every drop of my being.
We too must move through, not avoiding, all embracing, into waterfalls of hope, of healing, of life.
Let the tears flow to your healing. 🙏🏽 we are survivors, & our stories matter.
With love and solidarity,
Written by cofounder: Devin Marie
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.