I can remember that night as if it was yesterday. Days like these I felt so heart broken and lonely.
I came home from work and thought to myself... this is it. In my heart I felt like living one more day of living a lie, pretending to be happy, wearing a mask I learned to put on daily that said "nothing is wrong."
After a certain point, the lies I was telling others daily became a lie I couldn't contain for myself.
I spent years suppressing not only the night I got raped, but the countless attempts of taking my own life.
This is a reality that too many are forced to deal with; the reality that pretending to be okay isn't enough to survive anymore. The reality that 13% of rape victims attempt suicide. (RAINN.org)
I though I can't live with this pain any more, if I tell someone they would not understand.
That night, I took about 10 to 15 prescription pills, went into my bedroom and locked the door.
I cried as I sat in front of my laptop, and waited. I was surrounded in diligence until my silence and perceived "end" was continuously interrupted by constant telephone rings. I kept rejecting the calls, until the same friend noticed I was online and sent me a meassage.
I reluctantly went to open the message to chat with my friend....and what a God-send i thought. I began to open up to my friend about my plans of taking my life because of suppressed pains connected to the night I was raped.
I could go on about the conversation, but the moral of the story is that this is what people don't wish to speak on. That healing on your own is an impossibility when you feel defeated from the beginning. There needs to be a reminder of HOPE. That it IS possible to survive past the moment of initial trauma.
Rape hurts in the moment it happens...but the moments after...the moments spent contemplating self-harm and attempting self-harm are real!
That being said, we all have a role in healing from pain. Whether you are knowingly a witness to someone's hurt or painful past, whether you know a survivor or not. Consider that behind every pretty smile, every positive IG or Snapchat story, that person may be sitting behind a filter or a pain unimaginable.
Like Cristal's friend, he didn't ask how, or why... but in that moment he knew the best form of healing she needed was in his presence. It was in knowing that "you are not alone" even if you felt alone and abandoned the moment of your trauma. That loneliness doesn't have to be perpetuated in your present or future.
We are grateful for friends like Cristal's who encouraged, and spoke life into a dead-end situation. "That interaction allowed me to open my eyes to the bigger reality that in fact I did survive I am standing and all though at the time I was just starting a healing process I was full of life and purpose." -Cristal Lowe
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.