A lot Of people May reference that small Voice as their "Gut-feeling" , or "intuition". I've come to respect that discernment of decision-making as The guidance from The holy spirit...a "helper" If You Will in times when i can't make a definitive decision or Choice in my life.
Being vocal about My survival Of rape has been an On-going process. Sharing is only part Of The Equation, but living in that freedom Of truth has requiered me to be honest about a lot Of other areas in My life.
I realized in simple day-to-day interactions My ability to use My Voice was scarce. I Walked Around went to school, And work silencing myself or refraining from interactions that demanded the use Of my opinion or shared My preference.
I couldn't understand for The life Of me why certain conversations or moments like that intimidated me.
Then one day It dawned On me...My Voice was taken from The day My Body unwillingly became his that night.
I vocalizad to The individual who assaulted me to "stop", I vocally addressed that My boundaries Were being crossed And his physical response was "your Voice doesn't count, I'm going to continue doing What I want to do anyway."
The power in that moment was taken from me when My VOICE lost It's validity And worth from someone I trusted.
As a result, I carried this Notion with me in My every day life. So I avoided social interactions as Much as possible, ones I didn't feel I Had control in because My Past painted a pretty dissapointing picture Of the lack Of power My Voice possesed.
I exchaged My Voice for Victim, And I have spent several years after The Asaault to gain It Back.
Me regaining My Voice recquired honesty; starting with myself.
I Had to reteach myself that HOW I feel is valid. While still accepting that feelings don't rule my life, but they are good indicators about what's going on in my life.
I had to realize that not everyone speaks my language, but that shouldn't deter me or discourage me from living and speaking out my truth.
(If you have a preference in food, you don't have to tell the waiter the history behind why you choose NOT to eat red meat for example. You state your truth, they respect it, and the hope is they don't go back to the kitchen and tell the chef "throw a big slab of med-well filet Mignon on that veggie salad while your at it.")
But what if they don't respect your truth? What if they completely reject your choice to be sober, to be vegan, to be a follower of Jesus Christ, to be a feminist, to be celibate, to be a business owner, single, married, etc??
What matters is that in a world of inconsistency and insecurity, your safety is within yourself. Your peace is in knowing that your truths in life matter, and ought to be respected not tolerated.
Just because someone took you for granted. Just because they took advantage of you, lied, hurt, abused you does not mean your future will do the same.
FAITH is the act of believing without seeing. I had to have faith, real HONEST faith...that my convictions are values I don't need to feel inferior about.
When I'm not feeling 100% about a situation, person, or circumstance. I reflect on my core values. Does this ________ compromise the core of who I am, or compliment it?
It starts with identifying your core values, what you value and what you don't; whether it's relationships, careers, etc. if you wait for someone else to define your values and truths about you on life you will quickly find yourself in experiences that distract, detract, and disappoint.
I'm not saying I was at fault for being sexually assaulted. What I am saying is that moments leading Up to that experience my value was already being compromised; and it took some redefining and reestablishing my voice to trust "me" again inspite Of What was out Of My control.
Redifining & trusting your Voice again IS something You have control over moving forward. How Will You use It?
With love always,
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.