“It’s not something spoken about much, we tend to carry on like most survivors just to get by. The whole, “you survived that trauma, you’re still here, that must mean or count for something....right?”
Like many survivors of sexual assault, I too carried on my day-to-day routine. I was only 2months into my first semester of college and I was already falling behind, on top of work obligations.
The last thing I was really wanting to deal with was a relationship with myself, let alone anyone else for that matter. Shortly after being raped, I slowly started distancing myself from my long-distance boyfriend. Our relationship ended soon after from the emotional and mental toll it had on me—I was hollowed out of any hope or fairy-tale of being in love ever again.
Even so, I yearned for a sense of security and found myself entertaining hopeless situations with people who saw me as I saw myself, just another body to be used and taken advantage of. My self-esteem what shot. I filled up my false-sense of security with empty compliments and attention from those who reflected only my hurt past. I was on a fast-train to hell in every aspect of my being—I had no identity except for the night I married my worth to someone else’s manipulative power.
A few months later, I met someone who I eventually began a relationship with that lasted a little over four years. Still broken, still lacking trust, self-worth, love, and security, that person introduced me to Jesus one Sunday afternoon, the purpose of our entire relationship I now have peace about. Because I was knew in my faith and still understanding Romans 8:20 (old->new) I couldn’t detach myself from a bond I equated my new found peace in; the soul-ties that were created throughout my new found faith in Jesus Christ was still robbing me of the relationship I always prayed for.
Sooo when did I find my happily ever after?
The moment I let go of it all...the moment I decided I wasn’t going to use my relationships with man to determine my worth and value. The moment when I surrendered my very desire to be in love and be loved back. It was the moment I lost absolutely everything I ever wanted and was emptied of myself in order for God to fill His spirit and the likeness of His character in the cracks and grooves of my once broken heart. ♥️
Next week, we will continue this discussion of relationships and self-love post sexual assault with what we learned, and things that will hopefully help in guiding you along your journey of self-acceptance and restoring your true identity in a love untainted or defiled. A love that breathes life in the dead places of your heart and mind. A love that is healing and makes room for your growth!!
Till then, we send our love and continuous support to you, LOVE yourself on today, & be patient with yourself! —DevinMarie
Love & solidarity,
Devin & Cristal
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