Reflecting back to the days after being sexually assaulted had me thinking a lot about I chose to cope. Really, how I chose to survive the worst night of my life was followed by a lot pretending. Pretending I was happy, and that I was okay to avoid the questions. I spent more time making sure I looked happy to show no evidence of hurt and sadness when hiding the truth from the people who love me. However, as years passed by I’ve come to realize that in fact it is okay to mourn the person I was before.
When a loved-one pass away we take time to mourn their loss, when a child falls and gets hurt they cry for a little bit because they are physically hurt; same goes for us survivors. It is okay to cry, it is okay to miss the person we were before that pain ever entered our life. I have made it a point now to just sit back and think about how much effort and dedication people that DO love us who pour into our lives to make us confident strong women/ men. These seeds of love are not in vain, and require watering, even at the expense of our tears in order for us to grow. The word says in Ephesians 3:12 In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I know sometimes it is easier said than done, but let us pray and ask God that through our faith we may be free and regain our confidence in all things we do and walk into. Looking back to the days I was overwhelmed by pain, I realized that rape affected me in more ways than I possibly thought. For example, I still dress more modestly today because I'm not comfortable in certain styles like spaghetti strap top, off shoulder top and even dresses I rather cover up or wear clothes that would not attract the wrong attention—or my fluctuating weight. When I was raped I had just lost so much weight I was finally a size I wanted to be; but as soon as I had that experience, I blamed my new physique for what happened and I began to regain weight thinking that gaining some weight back would now become my protection. But the way I dressed, or the size I wore had nothing to do with someone’s inability to respect me. I was unhappy with the experience I endured and specially unhappy with the new weight I gained because of this debilitating mindset. Yes I'm still a survivor....in progress! The reality is that for the rest of my life I will be a survivor in progress because each day I work harder in becoming a happier me just because we sometimes hurt it does not mean we are not survivors; it means I'm taking a moment to mourn who I once was. It’s me taking a moment to reclaim the confidence I still have or the freedom I still have yet to fully possess. We WILL get to the place where we don't have to re-think what we will wear or places we will go but it all takes time and we will share a few tears here and there just like you would when you reflect on times you had with your love ones that are no longer here. Nevertheless, remember we are SURVIVORS. Everyone may have the same story but not everyone heals at the same rate, and that’s okay too! Do not judge your walk on someone else’s timetable, even another survivor’s. I’ll leave you with this scripture. Because though our journey may take a while, God is not finish yet! Philippians 1:6 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. with love Cristal Lowe
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August 2020
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