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I cried this week. I knew what was inside, and I tried my hardest not to give into the overwhelming emotions that this week stood for. See, I have been looking at this all wrong. It's okay to be angry, confused, frustrated, or want to escape from the chaos that is in this world. This week forced many of us to look pain straight in the eye through the story of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. I had to stop looking at this as a defeat. I had to pause and understand that regardless of the result, the culture remains divided, and that solves very little in the bigger picture. I had to recognize the intention and not simply the result. Truth is, whether or not Kavenaugh was appointed, Ford still has her story. Ford still has her healing, her truth,. her pain, her triumph, and we have to be the ones to carry survivors like her into the next step. I wanted justice for her, like I wanted justice for myself when I was told my sexual assault case wouldn't go to court. I too wanted the DA to ask for a further investigation, I too wanted to be heard, and believed and supported by our justice system; but that expectation was not met. So what do you do with what is left? What do you do with what was meant for bad? Genesis 50:20 says: But as for you, You intended evil against me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. As I spoke on the phone with my partner, and tears fell over prayers for strength, I heard one thing; these tears are not of weakness, they are of acknowledgement. I adjusted my perspective on the notion that it is okay and healthy to mourn the person that I was, and pour out joy into the person I am today. Acknowledging your pain, or disappointment in any given situation, or person doesn't automatically create this dichotomy of win or lose, victim or perpetrator. It is the moment that you claim pain to be the foot-stool not the giant left for you to fight. God has shown me time and time again that I have won this fight. My worth was not determined by other's opinion of my truth. I won because I survived, not because twelve jurors could prove without a reasonable doubt that I was sexually assaulted by a peer. Would I have liked to see him behind bars...Hell YES--but even if that was the end result, that would not be the end to my story. I wanted a deeper change beyond putting someone behind bars. Justice meant healing for not only myself but the world that fosters this disease in the first place. It is enough for me to know that my victory is in hearing more and more stories of overcoming, of strength and of resilience from the Queens and Kings I interact with. My victory is in my purpose and the tears that I now cry are shedding the old to water what has been made new. This territory I'm walking on is vast, and is in need of other's testimonies to water too. That is how we heal ourselves, and each other; we can continue to grow in great lengths to change a culture whose weeds need some major uprooting. In turn, I am hopeful that we too can continue tell our stories with strength and kindness. <3 With love and solidarity, Devin Marie for Herstory
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August 2020
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