Is everyone just about sweet-toothed out as much as we are? Okay, so we get that not everyone is all about Valentine's Day, but we couldn't help but notice apart from the exchanging of cards, chocolates and roses, that there is something about the essence of LOVE that has the power to influence so many people. I mean, take our entire Americanized-corporate self that jumps at any opportunity to profit off of well...anything including something that should and be given freely. But what happens when love doesn't feel so free? What does it cost you, REALLY? And is it worth the investment?
Here's another week of our Love series; ((read, share, grow))
Love... one of the sweetest warmest feelings ever, but unfortunately some people express love that becomes hurtful.
Growing up, "I love you" was not something we said often. Instead, I grew up knowing that to show your love for someone you express your feeling by actions not so much just by saying I love you..
I grew to know the difference between love and hate. The person who raped me, was an acquaintance, who would constantly insure he liked/loved me "like a sister" even went to the extent of telling people "she's like my sister you mess with her you mess with me"
I had no reason to suspect he was telling the truth.
Looking back, maybe it was all part of his plan in order to earn my trust and make it easier to take advantage of me either when the opportunity presented itself?
And since that experience, it became even harder to tell people I love them and express my feelings because experiences like rape teach you to be silent.
Although, it might sound completely irrational, I felt if people went out of their way to express love towards me, maybe they were up to no good, or only wanting to build up my trust in order to harm me too.
I had to learn to express my feelings without fear; constantly reminding myself that there ARE people that actually DO love and care and are not out just to plot against me.
Again, we revisit the importance of it learning to love your self in order to be able to love someone else and know the difference when they aren't in return.
It took me a long time to be able to express my feelings and to even tell the people I love them. but a broken hurting heart still beats...and is a work in progess. People say "just because you were hurt in your last relationship doesn't mean you'll be hurt like that again in your new one."
I had to apply that saying when I met my husband, and that just because the person I once trusted took advantage of my trust means a new love and relationship is out to do the same thing to me....
I have known love to be a lot of things throughout my years, and though only in my early 20's, I am discovering more of its requirement for complete honesty and faith in order to fully experience it daily.
Dare I even say, my experiences of heart-break and pain have taught me the most about love...
My personal experiences of abuse, and rape as an 18 year old changes a lot on how love feels and is shown or received.
I realized up until this point...that In my past, I have found an odd solace in being alone. I have had a tendency of reverting back to that helpless girl in her bedroom closet amongst piles of unhung laundry and comforters to drown out the sound of muffled cries. In the dark, I sat arms hugging legs while I waited for someone or something to pull me out of that dark closet. In those moments, I felt safety being somewhat trapped but I loathed those small four walls and their ability to make me feel less alone.
I finally got out of that emotion-packed closet after months of finding solace there. But I kept myself trapped from experiencing life's light for years since. I've since become a cautious person; while thinking I knew everything there was to know about LOVE.
My relationships were always based on my definition, my rules, my way...I ended everything before it could bloom into something great or before I got hurt. So I hurt others unintentionally by not being emotionally Available those physically and mentally I craved the presence of LOVE in whatever form they gave me. Consequentially, I drifted from one broken heart to the next, always questioning why my relationships outside of myself failed. Truth was simple but difficult to accept; I failed at recognizing my own brokenness that shattered pieces from another made mine less obvious to deal with.
I lent my heart to souls who were search for their own definitions of love. And until I put up a "not for sale sign" over my heart; I became sold-out for the only definition that didn't rob me of my self-love and respect...
It took my most vulnerable relationship with JESUS Christ to know that true love within myself was begging to come alive again--not in another's embrace, not in another solo-trip to different city, not in a new hobby or job, not even in between the lines of words I'd spent journaling since all of these experiences.
I ultimately fell IN LOVE with life, when I knew what it's absence felt like---When I spent hours upon hours wallowing in self-pity, or staring at my reflection asking "how I could have been so weak", or settling in almost-forever relationships with people who were only appeasing my loneliness...
I learned love to be the opposite of what rape and abuse taught me; that unlike what those experiences made me
feel..."I am worthy, I am to be respected mind, body, and soul, and that my voice and opinion matters."
I learned TRUE LOVE heals, and I've been shaped, healed, set-free from a hate-based violent experience to know what love is NOT.
But I have also learned this...
...patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love NEVER fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Wherever you are...and what ever stage of "love" you are in...know that love is in between every breathe you take; and you never have to search far for what's already within. 💗
Until next week...we at Herstory are sending you love and light... #itshealingtime
Cristal And Devin
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.