So… at this point of your life you’re probably wondering what else is there? Will it always be this hard, will there always be hurt in places you thought love would abound? You saw the world in such a pure way before it reeled it’s ugly head and made you it’s prey. It definitely caught you off guard; little by little, layers upon layers of innocence got stripped away from you. Slowly, one by one, the idea of being “good” and “doing what’s right” still subjugated you to attack, manipulation, and rejection. The idea of being the only person in the room completely naked and vulnerable is something that’s never left your body. Always having to validate your existence in social settings, and lack-luster relationships incapable of supporting your emotional and spiritual needs.
As soon as you get through THIS part, you’ll see what it was for. I don’t mean the hard part of surviving—you proved you can overcome adversity even in the form of rape. You proved you could get by even after not being believed once you spoke up. You survived the sleepless nights filled with paranoia, anxiety, and depression, self-blame, self-doubt, self-redicile and even hate. You don’t like yourself much right now, and I get it.
I get the desire of sleeping in a dark room for weeks because it feels closer to the end you wish could be a reality. I get that you want to erase it all. I get the cold chill that comes over your body and up your spine every time a stranger, shoot, even your own family goes to embrace you. I get that intimacy in an respect feels like a threat. I also get vocalizing small needs even when it comes to ordering a meal in public seems daunting because trusting your own voice has been shut down one too many times when it counted—when it actually mattered. I get that.
I also get to tell you that it’s not going to be like this forever. I get to tell you that when you decide to invite Jesus in your life, every step though challenging, will get easier. I get to tell you that you’ll be brave enough to not only step outside of that dark bedroom or closet you’d hide in for comfort, but that you’d soon venture out to see the world on your own. I get to tell you that you’ll find safety and a home within yourself even when you’re hundreds of thousands of miles away. I also should tell you that your best friend in all of this...is you.
You’ll learn to love you in a new way. You’ll learn to stop categorizing good and bad, right and wrong, and exist in what is and still cal it enough.
So this, though this part hurts like hell is dipping you in flames of anger, and distrust, confusion and loneliness as the world moves on. I’m telling you that you can too. THIS—is just for now. You will fall in and out of love, you will comeback to yourself, to THIS, and realize that there is a universe inside of you God wants you discover. THIS makes you hear the other silent tears on your journey, it doesn’t just make you stronger, but softer—more gracious towards others and yourself.
Learn to love you here, even if they can’t. Even if they won’t because you are special beyond words. Your heart has the capacity to implode and shatter, break, and come back to itself abounding in all the love you still believed in before being the girl whose first lesson in the birds and the bees was in the form of violence.
You are more than that. You’re heart is evidence of that. Hold on to it, and feel it rise and sink into this promise: that THIS part will be a chapter worth reading when you learn to turn the page. ♥️ people don’t get immersed in a story off of one page, but all of them, and this one is still writing itself out. Love yourself through it.
Your best friend,
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.