Soo we've taken an inventory of my communication skills, and we are no experts.
However, we think it's clear we all have patterns of communication and how we respond to challenges.
" Being a wife, there are times where my husband and I don't met eye to eye and disagree. My inate response would say it's fine and walk away maybe go to another room and cry which was not helping my marriage. These patterns of communication were similar to how I responded after being raped. There was an experience outside of my control, so I shut down, hid behind smiles and busy work, and went about my life."
Devin Marie: "I recently dealt with the harsh reality that my 20-something self has some unraveling and learning or should I say UN-learning to do in that department."
Not Everything has to be an attack...I'm learning to accept this fact through my channels Of communication.
Devin Marie: "When I was nine years old I was molested by a classmate During Choir rehersal. I Will never forget that experience, not only from The feelings Of being sexually violated, but also The feelings Of not being emotionally VALIDATED."
The worse thing you can ever tell someone who has gone through/is going through something is "You don't have to feel that way, or stop crying?"
(Clearly they don't HAVE to feel that way, but isn't feeling the way expressing that what they are dealing with is too much for them to handle or contextualize on their own??...🤔)
We don't consider that shutting down someone's form Of expression is debilitating in terms Of Their growth Of communication. We bypass moments Of teaching for discpline.
Devin Marie: When a kid has a tantrum (😤😭😫👶🏽)obviously...something is Up!! I can empathize with parent's who for example, literally only want to grab a few groceries And bounce✌🏽️ than have to stop and deal with a screaming 3 year old who doesn't understand that that box Of fruity pebbles does not make for a suittable dinner.
(I'm no parent, but I can't help but empathize with the young mind who is dealing with a problem and is being taught their limited in way they can express themselves. I know I know...."time and place, time and place...."
But what if we actually took the time to teach instead of shutting down/ policing other people's emotions.
Scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes 3:
There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven--
....A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
If GOD affirms our emotions, We have to respect someone else's responses to a given situation.
Granted, not every circumstance needs a catastrophic response like a Child Having a fit, or pouting when they Don't get their way."
These responses Don't actually Solve anything, but they DO reveal something real, And True to The person expressing in that particular way Of communicating.
"That being said; I didn't have anyone at The time who could empathize with my experience... I ran outside The autorium where We Were Having Choir practice in tears to The Girls bathroom.
"What just happenned, I thought" my heart raced, my Body flooded with heat, And my hands Were shaking..."
"He touched you" I said to myself staring at my nine year old face.
"No, no. It was a mistake" I told myself
"He shouldn't have done that."
"No, It was accident..It was all one Big accident, his hand poking my behind, Him, reaching underneath my skirt"
"He must Not Of felt me nudging Him to stop." (I should have said stop louder)
I went outside and sat against the wall, hugging my knees with my face turned from students passing the halls. My choir teacher followed me outside shortly after asking me what was wrong?
I told her "he touched me..." And her response was to immediately contact the principal and soon the other boy's teacher.
They approached me with the same questions, but will never forget the frustration I felt having to speak looking up to a grown man telling him, I was touched in place my mother always said was private...I knew it was wrong or else tears of frustration and violation wouldn't be flooding my eyes.
His response with lowered brows look down at me was simply "are you sure that he did that to you...do you know what that means?"
As if I couldn't physically be any smaller than these grown adults...I felt my value, my story, my frustration, and confusion had shrunk to the size of a peanut, it was like I was in one of those movies where the surrounding expand while you shrink to the most insignificant almost invisible ant-man meets honey I shrunk the kids like stature.
It wasn't until recently I realized why my responses to conflict as an adult mirrored a lot of what I went through in that very moment. I internalized the idea that the moment someone isn't leveling with me(understanding where I'm coming from) I immediately shut down, or get so overally frustrated I can't help but to cry.
I feel like that nine year old girl whose back was literally up against a wall, who couldn't contextualize her experience of being violated sexually to adults who she was taught could be trusted, who was taught could protect her and help her...I don't want to project that moment again in future conversations, I know I'll be facing more challenges in the future as it's important that I know my voice, and learn ways of SELF-empowering and affirming how I feel in order to navigate through my extended relationships.
Knowing what I know now, I've communicated with my accountability circle this area of character building I'm growing in. I'm gathering tools that are working for me as is Cristal which we would love to share with you in terms of validating expressions of communication and communicating your own!
We we are all a work in progress but we know with proper guidance, and love we can heal towards being our better selves. We love you, and we are here.
With love& solidarity,
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.